cHeck Out tHis HottIE!!!!

No, not me silly. Raechale!! I've been wanting to post pictures of her and then I remembered my wedding pics. Yeah!! This was actually the last pictures we have of her. Sad, huh? 2 months after my wedding she was called Home! But I just wanted you to know how great she was. And what a doll face she is !!! Look how little Austy was. Crazy how time flies. If you haven't realized it yet,.... It will be 3 years now that Raech passed on the 15th of February. This is going to be a rough next couple weeks! So if you don't want to hear about me babble n bawl then this is not the blog for you!

She did send me a little reminder of her love on the 20th of February last year, My Brody!!! Even though February is one of the hardest months to face there is this beautiful ray of sunshine peeking at me, reminding me she's close by.

another Stinky post.... Sorry

Okay, I know not a super fun post. But have you ever noticed how not everyday is easy....I was looking through some old CD's and I found Dixie Chicks- Home- and all I thought of was Raech!!!! This whole CD reminds me of her. Travelin Soldier.. love that song. We'd blast it in my truck and just scream it. I know its not much of a blasting song but it is so beautiful, it makes me cry! (the song and also Raechie) I miss her like crazy. Somedays are so hard. Yesterday my dad told me they had a man come to their house to ask them a couple questions. He was representing Cameron as a private investigator to see if he can help get him an appeal. It breaks my heart. All this for a monster who took a life. Raech didn't get all these extra chances at a life here on earth. Yesterday I tried to get on and post but I was a wreck. I couldn't type because I was so upset. Not tears, but more of the feeling- want to run and never look back-
I never thought I'd have to deal with this much hardship...
Raech would never want me to sit here and mope around. As I read back through my post it is kind of pathetic, but damnit this is my journal. This is my life. This is what I face sometimes. This neccesarily isn't for you, its for me, to look back and say " I conquered that day, I survived"
Have you ever noticed sometimes it feels so good to cry. It seriously is like releasing that stinky feeling of hopelessness. I can't change the way things turned out but I can change the way I view it. I can fantasize about my reunion with her. Crossing through the veil and into her arms. The way she smells, her soft hair. You know how people give you fake, crappy hugs, like the one arm hug or the tap your back hug. Not her. She'd get her arms around me really good and squeeze. She never pulled away when she knew I needed her. Oh, my sweet, sweet baby sister!
On a funnier note we did share some really funny mannerisms. I don't know if thats what you would call it but anywho.. We had the weakest bladders, (still do) and whenever someone would get us laughing really hard, we'd have to do this wierd pose, like squat down and cross our legs so we didn't widdle all over! We were so much alike! yeah, I am lucky that I have those memories to keep me chuggin along! She totally ROCKED!!

ScRub a duB Dub...2 moNKeys in a tuB

The kids favorite thing to do. Seriously, they both love it. Everytime I go to pull Brody out he's screaming and hanging on with his toes... just kidding but he really does cry and scream. They would stay in there for easily an hour but I'm lame and I make them get out because, by then, the water is so cold I could be turned in for neglect of a child. I'm soaked when we get done. Austyn never was this active in the bath but Brody is down right scary. He just flings around and water flies everywhere. He laughs and his sister antagonizes so he continues. It really is fun to see the way he looks at his sister. Boy, that kid loves her!!!

Okay on with the funny story. This is why I fell in love with Cody. His quick witted humor (Not the only reason) But a huge part of it....

Topless Toll Booth

Yes, I said it.... TOPLESS

We were joking about how pennies are money. (It's on Everybody Loves Raymond) And I asked him if thats what he would say to the ladies in the toll booth in Jersey. And it proceeded into topless women working the toll booth. An extra dollar a car for that lane. We've decided that's how the government will escape this reccession. Spread it like wildfire folks, its a brilliant plan!! How could it possibly fail????

life without raech

I think I have dealt really well with the passing of my sister. I miss her more than anything and I try really hard not to dwell on how she passed. I focus on my memories of our friendship. She was my best friend. We were only 13 months apart and man I loved her. Obviously not so much when we were little. But as we grew through high school I realized she was my best friend, the one who will always be there for me. She set such a great example for me. And she had the best sense of fashion. She always looked fly.... If you see me sporting something other than t-shirt and sweat pants that is because of her and her generous offerings after she passed. Seriously, her credit cards were maxed when she died and there was no estate for her, or something like that, and so nobody had to pay her bills. Wierd, huh? I don't really know how all that works, but I got alot of nice stuff that she never really paid for. (silly girl) I can't even describe to you how amazing she was, unless you knew her. On our way home from school I'd slow "ole blackie" down to like 5 mph and then I'd turn up the radio as loud as it would go. We then had our own little parade through our neighborhood in our spray painted car!! Yeah, it was nice!! My dad gave us a can a black spray paint and let us have our way with her... hee. hee. We had our own little jokes that only we thought were funny. And I miss having her around me all the time.
For those of you still reading, this is going to be a way long post.
Today was really hard!! Obviously nothing like that first year, but its been bad. I try to focus on where she is and how happy she is. She doesn't want us to be full of anger, hate, and venegence always on our minds. She wants us to focus on who she is and not how she left this earth.
The hardest for me is what could have been. Her married, kids, living out here in Tooele. The fun we would have together as couples. And I can see it so clear because she had found the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with!!! Ethan....
She brought him home for sunday dinner with my parents. We all fell in love with him and we could tell they loved each other. They had talked marriage and looked at rings, but he never got the oppurtunity to propose...... someone made an awful choice and took her from us.. I can still remember her cell phone messages from him that night, they were so awful. All night he texted her, asking her if she was having car troubles, how come she wasn't home yet. Letting her know, no matter what the problem was he would be there in an instant to be with her. It kills me to know that Ethan had tried to get a hold of her all night and if she would have had her cell phone actually in her pocket it might have changed the whole night.
That night we all lost a piece of ourselves.
He came out to visit my family today for sunday dinner. 3 weeks after her funeral he pretty much disappered. We called, e-mailed. But he never responded. We understood why. Its like seeing the future that you will never have. Seeing Raechale every where you turned but never getting to hold her again. We all knew he needed to move on. He's young. He has his whole life ahead of him. Raechale would want nothing but happiness for him. But it was so amazing to see him again. It was like reliving the last day we had with Raechale. She was so happy with him!!!! I don't know if he will continue to visit our family but thats okay. All we want is him to be happy. Which means moving on.
It was just a really hard day, but all apart of the horrible process of grieving. We all miss her more than words can express. But man, we were soo lucky to have her in our lives for the short time we did.
Are you two sisters?.......No.....Yes, man!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy New Year!!!!

Yeah!! A brand new, fresh, white page ahead of us. 2009, don't you wonder what its going to bring to you? I love looking back on the year that has passed and all that has happened.

• My sweet baby Brody!!


• San Diego in April with my fam (Brody was 9 weeks old, all I did was look for the next nursing station:)


• Colorado in July with Cody's whole extended fam


• Cody ripped up our carpet and put in faux wood floors, luv it!!!


• a new car (brand new to us)


• a new truck (thanks dad, we still owe on that one)


• tons and tons of yard work (that never ends)


• We sold my beater Nissan truck


• Cody and I are closer than we have ever been in our whole 3 yrs of marriage!

There are a bizzallion things that went on this last year and It has been amazing. I've grown so much this last year as a mother. Sad but true, when I found out we were having a boy I didn't want him. I wanted a girl so bad. I wanted Austyn to have what I had with Raechale. I didn't want any more male hormones running in our house. I didn't want to deal with puberty and all that goes along with that. I was not happy. I tried to hide it but everybody knew. It was awful. Not to mention I gained a good 50 lbs!!!! I was miserable. I know, I was evil.

It was the most beautiful thing when they lifted Brody above the blue sheet in the operating room and I saw his face, those huge cheeks. I hope I never forget my first glimpse of My Son!!! I was instantly in love with him. My life changed completly. I knew Heavenly Father brought him into my life for a reason. I saw Cody differenly. I looked at my sweet innocent child and i knew how Our Heavenly Father looked at Cody. Cody and I had really struggled throughout our relationship. I was not the wife I wanted to be. Having Brody put my relationship with Cody in a different perspective. This year has changed me the most. And I love it. I'm a different person. I am in no way saying I didn't love having Austyn or I didn't love her as much, but my life was hell when she arrived. It had nothing to do with her. She was so beautiful and I loved her so much but my marriage was falling apart and baby blues were kicking my butt!!! That was a really tough year for me. But I survived!

I know, me and my long posts. But i'm just stoked to see what this year will bring me and my family. We've had some pretty stinky years lately and I know there is always a rainbow after the storm!! And there is always something to look forward to. Good luck to all of you!!