life without raech

I think I have dealt really well with the passing of my sister. I miss her more than anything and I try really hard not to dwell on how she passed. I focus on my memories of our friendship. She was my best friend. We were only 13 months apart and man I loved her. Obviously not so much when we were little. But as we grew through high school I realized she was my best friend, the one who will always be there for me. She set such a great example for me. And she had the best sense of fashion. She always looked fly.... If you see me sporting something other than t-shirt and sweat pants that is because of her and her generous offerings after she passed. Seriously, her credit cards were maxed when she died and there was no estate for her, or something like that, and so nobody had to pay her bills. Wierd, huh? I don't really know how all that works, but I got alot of nice stuff that she never really paid for. (silly girl) I can't even describe to you how amazing she was, unless you knew her. On our way home from school I'd slow "ole blackie" down to like 5 mph and then I'd turn up the radio as loud as it would go. We then had our own little parade through our neighborhood in our spray painted car!! Yeah, it was nice!! My dad gave us a can a black spray paint and let us have our way with her... hee. hee. We had our own little jokes that only we thought were funny. And I miss having her around me all the time.
For those of you still reading, this is going to be a way long post.
Today was really hard!! Obviously nothing like that first year, but its been bad. I try to focus on where she is and how happy she is. She doesn't want us to be full of anger, hate, and venegence always on our minds. She wants us to focus on who she is and not how she left this earth.
The hardest for me is what could have been. Her married, kids, living out here in Tooele. The fun we would have together as couples. And I can see it so clear because she had found the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with!!! Ethan....
She brought him home for sunday dinner with my parents. We all fell in love with him and we could tell they loved each other. They had talked marriage and looked at rings, but he never got the oppurtunity to propose...... someone made an awful choice and took her from us.. I can still remember her cell phone messages from him that night, they were so awful. All night he texted her, asking her if she was having car troubles, how come she wasn't home yet. Letting her know, no matter what the problem was he would be there in an instant to be with her. It kills me to know that Ethan had tried to get a hold of her all night and if she would have had her cell phone actually in her pocket it might have changed the whole night.
That night we all lost a piece of ourselves.
He came out to visit my family today for sunday dinner. 3 weeks after her funeral he pretty much disappered. We called, e-mailed. But he never responded. We understood why. Its like seeing the future that you will never have. Seeing Raechale every where you turned but never getting to hold her again. We all knew he needed to move on. He's young. He has his whole life ahead of him. Raechale would want nothing but happiness for him. But it was so amazing to see him again. It was like reliving the last day we had with Raechale. She was so happy with him!!!! I don't know if he will continue to visit our family but thats okay. All we want is him to be happy. Which means moving on.
It was just a really hard day, but all apart of the horrible process of grieving. We all miss her more than words can express. But man, we were soo lucky to have her in our lives for the short time we did.
Are you two sisters?.......No.....Yes, man!!!!!!!!!!!